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Dear Renee (Love Mechanic)
I am a 48 year old single woman who had not dated in over a year after losing my boyfriend in an accident. I recently had a one night wild fling with a younger man of 29 and I am feeling very guilty. I knew it would never turn out to be a long term relationship but I went with the chemistry. My question is why do I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself event though I knew up front what I was doing? Do you have any insights?
Feeling Guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty
Every person that is single goes through phases and it sounds to me that you have been hibernating since you lost your boyfriend and you made a conscious decision to have a fling. I have interviewed hundreds of singles experiencing various circumstances and the “one night stand” guilt thing is often one of the experiences that often leave us feeling empty. You are a big girl and in the moment you made a choice knowing the outcome as you stated you “knew up front,” so it is time to “GET OVER IT” and forge ahead knowing “flings are not your thing.” You must have some old guilt from your past upbringing or a “good girl, bad girl” judgment.
I know that some singles use sex as a drug to ease the pain of loneliness. The fact that you feel guilty makes me believe you still have pain lodged in your heart about your loss and this man was helping you numb your pain. Let go of the guilt and look at this as an opportunity to go deeper into your own heart to know you were at least capable of feeling again and chalk it up as a learning experience. You now know that a quick fling is not for you and yet the experience does show you that you are still alive and attractive. This reminds me of the movie “Stella got her Groove Back” about a scorn divorced woman who goes on a vacation to a tropical island and meets a younger man who ignites her into the realization that she is a beautiful woman that deserves love and passion in her life. Maybe this “fling” could be viewed in that light instead of a guilt trip! Life is too short!
Your fling experience can be used as a launching pad to remind YOU that you still have lots of love to give and receive. Now you can go forward, let it go and feel grateful to be alive, attractive and open to love. Guilt, doubt and shame will only bring you down…let them all go and realize you learned more about yourself and next time you’ll take your time and not jump into bed to numb your pain. Do some more healing on your heart, keep dating and expanding.. For some casual sex is like a sport, but for you we have discovered it is not good for your soul. So be it… let it go and move forward on your quest to love! If you need more support call me for a private session at 310-827-1100 or come to one of my seminars to brush up on your dating skills and help heal that old pain!. If you have a dating dilemma or question please send it to: Renee@LoveMechanics.com and I will do my best to answer your questions. I am here to help!