Dear Renee (Love Mechanics)

I was recently contacted by an old flame right before Valentines Day. He found me over the internet and we had dated over 20 years ago. I was with him for a year and a half and we had a great connection. The reason we broke up was he had a temper and he took a swing at me and I ran off. When he called recently he said after all these years he had not been able to get me off his mind and wanted to see if I was still single (which I am). He claims he has changed and wants to see if we can rekindle our relationship. He currently is living in Seattle and has full custody of an adorable 3 year old son. He knows I love children and he wanted to fly me up to Seattle to see him and reconnect for a weekend. I have thought of him over the years myself and often wondered if he changed?  My question is can someone who was abusive in the past change? Can someone with a temper ever be normal or change that pattern?  Should I go? I have some fears. What’s a girl to do?
 Fearful

Dear Fearful

Thanks for writing! Isn’t it amazing how sentimental days like Valentines Day and holidays make old flames resurface? Well my friend you must be cautious with your self since he was abusive and IF you ever want to try to reconnect, I would do it on your own turf.  I believe since I am in the business to assist people in making positive changes in their lives that people grow and learn form their Mis-Takes. Here are a few suggestions:

1. I would discuss your concerns openly in a loving tone  
2. Tell him you are willing but he needs to come to you!  Set it up on your turf and tell him you would prefer he come to your home town and stay at a hotel with his son. (give him a list of  hotels near by)
3. Set up your date at a comfortable restaurant during the day with his little one to see him for the first time. Take your own car to meet him. Check out the vibes then take it from there.
4. If all goes well have a baby sitter arranged for later in the evening to spend some quality time with him without his son. Met him there.
5. Go to places where you are safe and have people around until you can discern if you feel comfortable with him.
6. Listen to your gut instincts and if there is any sign of him shifting gears into anger  you can safely retreat and move on.
7. Be in the moment and explore him as he is now!

Often when we reconnect to the past it is to heal or mend some unresolved issues. The best part is when you see him you can get over that phantom memory and see him for who his is Now. Everyone grows and changes… so why not him? I’m sure you have changed from the woman he knew 20+ years ago…right? I am in no means supporting abuse, yet it has been 20+ years and you’re still curious. I’m sure he has learned from his past and getting together can not cause you any harm if you are smart about it. I know that revisiting old flames has helped me personally reveal a lot about myself in the past and often I am surprised at how much I learn about myself when I hear the other person’s perspective. Life and experiences change us and hopefully for the good. Sometimes revisiting old flames will heal his or your own heart. Be safe and keep me posted!

If you have any thoughts on this topic or have a love or dating question email me at:Renee@Lovemechanics.com. Need some motivation to liven up your social life or need a love life make over?

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