Dear Renee (Love Mechanics)

HELP! I have been dating someone for 3 months and after going on a weekend getaway, I am quite sure that this man is not the love of my life or the person I want to commit to. I don’t know what the next step is because I’m not feeling a long term commitment. How do I tell him? When do you have the conversation?  I like him as a friend and would like to stay friends? Is there a way to do that without hurting him?

Want to be his friend instead of Lover

Dear Want to be his friend instead of Lover,

It seems to me (and I teach this in my seminars) that 3 months is a good amount of time to get to know someone. Both hearing the news or telling the news is never easy but is best to be honest and tell him you think he is a great man. Because you care for him you need to be honest that you don’t see this relationship going long term. I would bet a hundred bucks you saw some warning signs along the way. (Good for you for trying to see if you could work through issues since we all have them.) No one is perfect and all people have their “stuff.” I always say vacations are a good way to see if you are compatible for a long term relationship because you can’t hide all those funky quirks that we all have. Your eating habits, sleeping schedules, bathroom antics, money issues, cleanliness, snoring, manners and many other quirks all get exposed with no more rose colored glasses to hide behind.  Everything you wondered if you could deal with becomes blatantly clear and you can’t pretend you don’t see them anymore.  My best friend just had a similar experience after dating a nice man for a year and they went to Europe for 3 weeks and ended up breaking up. She said he was so boring to travel with and was miserable! Thank God she did not marry him before they went away! I told her to make the space for the right man!

You want to honor the other person by being honest and hope that you can be friends in the future. If you find he feels the same way good for you. Most often people can sense the energy pulling away and feel a shift. Often the other person will want to know why you are changing your mind and you can tell them gently so you don’t destroy them. Just meet up with them live and say (Thier name) " You know I care about you and think you are awesome. I need to say, after exploring this relationship for the last 3 months, I can see now we are not a long term match. Because I care about you and wanted us to be honest and real with eachothe,r I need you to know that I think it is best for us to stop seeing eachother and explore other relationships. Hopefully we can be freinds someday and I have really enjoyed getting to know you. I just respect your goals for a relationship and know I cant fulfill them." If they get sad or angry (that is normal) at least let them speak their piece and be considerate. I know for sure it takes time to transition from dating to being buddies for most people male or female.

No matter how you slice it, this is a rejection and it takes time to get over it. Don’t keep calling and emailing to see if they are ok, to get their update or expect them to be open to talking a lot. Just let it rest and don’t try to make them feel better… they are disappointed so let them have some space. Perhaps you will connect in the future and can be friends. By breaking up in an honest and kind way it can keep the door open in the future. We have all had it happen in our dating lives and the worst thing is being told with an email, a voice ail or text! Most people are to chicken to get real with people for the fear of pissing off the other person and they do the avoidance game. Big a big boy or girl and tell the truth! Just speak from your heart to move on to find some one new and more compatible!

Have a burning love dilema, dating question or need some love advice? Need a Private Love Consultation? Call 310-827-1100 or Email Me. To make an appointment and I can help you personally with all your dating and love challenges.  Still Single? Suddenly Single? Want to liven up your love life? Join us at Rapid Dating, held in cities all over the Southern California. Get on our info list and get some cool FREE TIPS and get invited to our events at  www.ReneePiane.com and join in on all the fun. Check out my weekly PODCASTS on line giving FREE ADVICE on I tunes under LOVE MECHANICS!

Renee

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